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When Forward in Christ asked if the topic of conflicting parenting styles is something that resonates with me, I have to admit that I actually laughed out loud. Oh, yes, it sure resonates—a little too much. Even after three kids and almost 21 years of parenting, I’m afraid my husband, Thad, and I are still working on this in our home.
I’m convinced that how we parent has a whole lot to do with what my counselor friend, Sheryl, calls your “family of origin.” Were any of us raised the same way, by the same kinds of parents? Unlikely. For example, Thad and I came from very different homes. In his home, you only talked if there was something that needed to be said. In my home, we were stream-of-consciousness talkers who lacked filters. In his home, you didn’t open up more than one bag of chips at a time. In my home, the cupboard contained a whole bonanza of accessible snacks.
So it’s not surprising how our unique upbringings can influence our parenting styles. And when you combine two very different parenting styles into one marriage, there is bound to be conflict. Thad tends to be the no-nonsense disciplinarian; I tend to be the softie who can lack follow-through. Over the years we’ve learned some very tough lessons about melding our parenting approaches, especially when it comes to the inevitable matter of disciplining our kids. Here are some of the lessons we’ve learned—usually the hard way:
- It is important to agree to age-appropriate consequences ahead of time, as a couple, then stick to them. Putting consequences in place then not following through only causes confusion for our kids and sends the message that we don’t really mean what we say.
- It’s critical to be a unified parental team in front of our kids. We work to not undermine each other, and to back each other up. If I’m not respectful to Thad, why would our boys show him respect? One of the most empowering things Thad does is say to our boys, “You need to listen to your mother.”
- We strive to apply a healthy dose of God’s law, when needed, followed up with the soothing balm of the gospel. We are still learning in our parenting journey about discerning the appropriate use and timing of each, depending on the situation.
Even though Thad and I were raised in very different homes, there was one thing our homes had in common. We were both blessed with godly parents who loved each other, shared God’s Word with us, and modeled the importance of faithful church attendance and selfless service to others as a reflection of God’s love.
So despite the differences in how we were raised, the solid foundation of God’s Word was the base upon which our homes were built. And despite any differences Thad and I have in our parenting styles, how comforting it is to know that with Christ at the heart of our home, we will be blessed—and forgiven.
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